FRANZ KLINGERMANN IS THE
GREATEST ELK TOSSER IN HISTORY: A BIOGRAPHY
Franz
Klingermann is an 8 foot 2 ton man-mountain who can palm a medicine
ball.
Franz
Klingermann
is the father of every kid in this town!
Franz
Klingermann
once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and
it was
the most beautiful thing I ever saw!
One time I
was with Franz in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer.
Franz
goes up to the deer and says, "I'm Franz Klingermann! SAY IT!" Then
he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say,
"franzklingermann"
... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!
He'd eat a
homeless person if you dared him!
His
poop
is
used as currency in
He
sweats
Gatorade.
He
once
breast-fed
a flamingo back to health.
He
hated
Mexicans!
And he was half Mexican! .......And he hated irony!
I
once
saw
him scissor kick Angela Landsbury.
He
sheds
his
skin once a year.
He
makes
brooms
somewhere in
He
did
3
tours in '
I
once
saw
him eat a whole live chicken.
His
favorite
movie is "One on One" with Robby Benson.
He
sleeps
eight
hours a night! ........ well, he was pretty normal when it came
to that.
Did
I
ever
tell you about the time Klingermann took me out to go get a drink with
him? We
go off looking for a bar and we can't find one. Finally Franz takes me
to a
vacant lot and says, "Here we are." We sat there for a year and a
half and sure enough someone constructs a bar around us. The day they
opened we
ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground.
Franz yelled
over the roar of the flames, "Always leave things the way you found
'em!"
Franz
Klingermann
had a four day heart attack...a day for each chamber. At
the
autopsy, they said his heart looked like a basketball filled with
riccotta
cheese.
He
once
punched
a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road.
He
taught
me
how to make love to a woman, and how to scold a child.
They
found
$60
in change in his stomach.
He
did
all
the makeup on the "Planet of the Apes" movie.
He
grew
a
3rd arm and kept it in a vault.
Franz
drank
a
full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs. Then he slept for 8 months
straight.
When he woke he rubbed his eyes and said, "All in all, I prefer gin."
They
say
Gene
Roddenbery got the idea for Star Trek from listening to Franz talk
in his
sleep.
He
date
raped
David Bowie.
He
once
inhaled
a seagull.
The
Pope
told
him it was OK to have a mistress.
It
was
the
sight of Klingermann's naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane.
He
once
had
sex with a cigarette machine.
He
killed
Wolfman
Jack with a trident.
He
uses
the
Shroud of Turin as a golf towel.
He
once
ate
the Bible while water skiing.
He
drives
an
ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
He
sired
a
baseball team.. an orchestra if you count the bastards!
You
know,
he
would shoot whiskey into his neck with a syringe!
He
has
dandruff
the size of mice!
He
jogged
with
a fridge on his back!
Franz
Klingermann
was a 10 foot monster who slept with all our wives! And
punched us
all in the face! And we loved him for it!
He's
a
ten-foot tall beastman who showers in vodka and feeds his baby shrimp
scampi.
He
orchestrated
the merger between Unicef and Smith & Wessen.
He
went
public
with his own buttocks and made $7 million.
Did
I
ever
tell you about the time Klingermann went hunting? Klingermann decides
he's
going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits. He stalks and kills
every one
of them with a machette. They all begged for their lives...except
Fleagle.
We
once
had
a bachelor party for Franz. He ate the entire cake before we could tell
him
there was a stripper in it.
Franz
once
hosted
the Grammys and gave every award to Corey Hart.
He
has
a
toenail on the end of his penis.
Franz
once
got
his wife pregnant and gave birth to a delicious 16 ounce steak. The
afterbirth was sautéed mushrooms.
Klingermann's
family
crest is a picture of a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong.
Klingermann
ranked
18th in the AP College Football Poll.
Did
I
ever
tell you about the time Klingermann was in a production of, "The King
& I?" On opening night, Klingermann chloroforms the entire cast and
slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours. The production
got
pretty good reviews.
He
breastfeeds
John Madden.
Klingermann
named
the group Sha-Na-Na. They did NOT want to be called that.
If
you
drop
a phonograph needle on Klingermann's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys'
"Pet
Sounds."
They
use
Klingermann's
foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee stadium.
Klingermann
directed
that commercial where the women play basketball in high heels.
All
the
"Yes"
album covers are Klingermann family photos.
He
wears
a
live rattlesnake as a condom.
Did
I
ever
tell you about the time he taught his son how to drive? He did it by
entering
him in the Indy 500. The kid wrecked and died. Klingermann said it
would've
happened sometime.
Klingermann's
semen
can form into a liquid human - like the guy from "Terminator 2"
Klingermann
still
believes in Santa Claus, and he wants to put him in porno films.
He
thinks
then
iron man is gay.
He
framed
Roger
Rabbit.
The
character
of Johnny Appleseed was based on Klingermann - except for the
apple
tree planting and not raping men.
He
gave
a
handjob to a manta ray.
The
DGS
thanks Bill Brasky for compiling this information on Franz
Klingermann.
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